| The Return of Applekore. |
[13 Mar 2006|01:23pm] |
Hi....
I don't know if anyone still has me listed as a friend or anything-- i used to own Deathbloom.org.
That site crashed (NOT MY FAULT) a little over a year ago, & now i own the webpage
http://bedlam.raindrown.org
If you remember me or something, I am now using the livejournal http://frogheart.livejournal.com , so if you'd like, add me there or something.. or just eMail me & say hi ( head.versus.heart@gmail.com )
thanks for reading this.
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| ashtray heart |
[19 Aug 2004|01:55am] |
(why on earth would anyone practice self-destruction?)
GIVE MANKIND A BEATING. --> yes, i am a nerd. does anyone else have my space?
i should not be awake this late when i have to work so early. doug's working 'til seven am so i can't even call & bug him. everyone should go see napoleon dynamite. scotch is good. i have a strange craving for pudding.
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| this is the sound of |
[09 Aug 2004|04:15pm] |
the sunset over downtown kansas city; the daylight tricking us into thinking life was good.
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| sick of it all |
[21 Jul 2004|08:02pm] |
god DAMN boys can be stupid sometimes. aaron recently talked to his (now, ex-)girlfriend & broke it off. told her he doesn't want her to move here anymore. but not because of me. it kind of bothers me that he didn't tell her about us. but i guess it doesn't really fucking matter. the worst thing is that he's now being very distant. says he "needs time to get his head straight." so. okay. that's fine. i'm trying not to stress. why must i let boys control my life, time & time again?
the truth is i really just like this one a lot & thus am very afraid of losing him. this is the point where my instictive self defense mode goes into overdrive. HE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN but fuck. what is there really i can do about it?
he says he just needs a couple days, so i'll give him that, respectively. it's really all that i can do anyway. tonight I'll go out with Becca & meet up with Twang after he gets off work & drink a little bit of whatever it is we'll be drinking.
LET'S DRINK 'TIL WE CAN'T FEEL FEELINGS ANYMORE
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| a la return |
[14 Jul 2004|08:38pm] |
have decided i'll start writing in here again.
what can i say.
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| it cancels out the day |
[31 Dec 2003|01:49am] |
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& so, after a year and however many months, it's over. he calls at 5:30. says hello & i say hello. he has a tone in his voice in which i know, i just know.
"i've been thinking i want to take a break." his words are like ice against my heart. his words are foreign, another language, which doesn't make any sense.
we talk. things are said. words don't matter at all for the first time in a million years. he says things i never though would come from his mouth. he tells me goodbye over the phone line.
"goodbye kitten, i love you."
maybe those aren't exact. they could be tiwsted around. either way it's the same equivalent. it's over & there's nothing i can do.
i don't understand. i don't expect this. my sobs break like uneven windchimes. you used to twinkle them just so.
"fuck you," i say, because there's nothing more. I am not your kitten anymore. not if you're saying goodbye, in this way. i am not your kitten or your lover. i am a girl, with a broken heart, & a fat heart-shaped face, broken by mascara coated tears.
he left me & that is all. this calls for a million new years resolutions & a million fucking tears. goodbye kitten, he says, & that's all, & i'm expected to understand. i'm drunk & i can't see the screen. i write him things i won't wsend because he won't understand. my tears make everything watercolor, i hate watwer co;lor. it's new years eve. i don't have th e boy i love anymore. & i can do nothing... i can do nothing but cry. god please help me get throgu this holiday, god please let me get through this day. this night. i cancelled out hotel room, with the beautiful bed & the stereo. i cancelled the room with the bathroom that was all ours & i bought a bottle of liquor instead to wash you away. but you're still here. (please let me die.) ThE TRUTH IS: i can't wirte anymkore, mnot to you. i am wasted/ i cant wriote klmnowing what i know. i cant right now. if hyou want want want to talk to me i'm availabel at ashtray@deathbloom.org. right now, right now i camt do this. not now
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| suicide note |
[28 Dec 2003|02:25pm] |
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Listen Up Dumbfucks:
Most people kill themselves because of a mental condition. This is true in my case too. The condition I suffer from is that I am not normal, I am not like every "sane" person in the world.
I am not normal in the sense that I am not like every other one of you brain-dead zombies. I can think. I can reason intelligently. I can observe and learn from life. I can make my own decisions and follow through on them. And I can do these without any aid from celebrities, T.V. or radio. Unfortunately, every one of you shit-brained lemmings in the world seem to lack these skills and I can't fucking take it any more.
Since everyone else in this world is a fucking retarded drone who revels in their ignorance and unintelligence, I must put an end to my misery. I truly wish I was normal. I wish I could be a fucking retarded drone whore like all of you. I wish I could have the same conversations day in and day out about sports, politics, or "how about that weather, huh?" But I cant. Sure you'll see this note and say Jessie's the crazy one. You have to it's the only way you can go on thinking you're sane and your pathetic life is meaningful. Go ahead, call me the weirdo like everyone else surely will. Then return to your happiness of everyday mindless monotony.
My only wish is that the bullet I put into my brain doesn't kill me but only leaves me brain dead. For if ignorance is bliss and everyone of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brain stem in a coma must surely be utopia.
Leave my machine plugged in you fucking retards,
Jessie
P.S. I hope all that jesus and god and heaven bullshit is real. COURTESY THE SUICIDE NOTE GENERATOR
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| bring me sugar |
[20 Dec 2003|10:19pm] |
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ferris wheel is spinning, somewhere far away & i am HERE. here, where the sky is enormous & the plains go on for days & days. tonight my belly is full but mind is silent. with nothing to hold onto there's only so much you can take while every other girl goes out on saturday night, another girl wrote once. i stay home. i don't mind. the margaritas do the trick just the same, swinging my tired head away, swinging my tired mind to somewhere else. i have the pictures acquired on the way to california, i have all the proof i need: either way it's just the same. a song i don't like just keeps playing & i can't stop it. a rhyme i wrote but don't remember. a picture i painted once, but i'm not that same person anymore, not that painter. it's all relative. if i were brave i would watch the stars right now, star into the nothing & no longer be afraid. yeast fills my innards. i read anne sexton to make myself feel better about being such a bad person. TV is dull & pointless. it's saturday night & i'm okay.
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| Friday i'm in love |
[19 Dec 2003|04:40pm] |
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i have that rising, intense feeling that i need to create something right now. i'll be sending these packages soon. how happy i am to finally have friday here: a long week of working & i think i'll have a beer. phil's is deathly sick so i took him soup earlier. i hope i see him tonight. things are going well.
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[11 Dec 2003|07:22pm] |
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something new at deathbloom.
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[09 Dec 2003|11:48pm] |
it's a fucking blizzard outside right now. i can't sleep because it's too bright. at least that's my excuse. i don't want to deal with the rest of the week. for some reason, i stumbled through the whole day convinced that it was still monday. this is weird. talk about twilight zone shit. at least payday is tomorrow. someone love me, quick.
ohyeah. this is my real journal.
there's no password.
i'm not really sure why you should care.
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| gestapo darling |
[03 Dec 2003|10:16pm] |
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not everyone in drunk driving accidents dies. her nose was gone & her eyes didn't match one another anymore-- each an odd different shape & size. her previous picture grinned out, smaller, below the monster, daring us all to think again
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[20 Nov 2003|11:56pm] |
dear diary
head is spinning, but not all at once ;
i'm really not sure what to do.
about anything. not at this point.
i really wish someone would just take my hand & show me the way.
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applekore's journal
